In (1 Samuel 24:16-21), King Saul tearfully admits that he has done wrong to David. He had sought David’s life, but David had shown him mercy. David's mercy on that occasion represents the way that the Lord Himself meets evil with mercy. It’s clear that we’re meant to follow that example. In the gospels, the Lord says that we’re to love even our enemies (Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:35).

Because David showed mercy to Saul, there was a reconciliation between them. That wouldn’t have happened if he’d struck back at Saul. But, not long after that, Saul is hunting for David life again, to try to kill him. So much for their reconciliation! And... David shows mercy to Saul again, and Saul repents, again. But it’s clear that David doesn’t trust Saul anymore. He and Saul go their separate ways, and here’s the very next thing that the Word tells us:

And David said in his heart, “Now I shall perish someday by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape to the land of the Philistines; and Saul will despair of me, to seek me anymore in any part of Israel. So I shall escape out of his hand.” (1 Samuel 27:1)

Saul had said, “I will harm you no more” (1 Samuel 26:21), but it’s clear that David no longer believes those sorts of promises from Saul. And who can blame him?

It’s still a good thing that he showed mercy to Saul — that he forbade his companion to stab the king while he was sleeping (1 Samuel 26:8). The Lord wants us to meet evil with mercy. Over and over He tells us to forgive. But what are we supposed to do when people seem to treat our forgiveness as carte blanche to do the bad stuff all over again? How do we show mercy to people who are actively doing things that hurt us — or to people that we don’t feel safe with, because of a pattern that’s been established over time? Let's explore that. In a nutshell, it IS possible for us to love people and protect ourselves from them at the same time. How?

Here's something that the Lord says about how we balance reconciliation with setting boundaries, in Matthew 18:15-17. These instructions outline the process that the Lord wants us to follow when someone is doing things that hurt us.

"If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother. But if he doesn't listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.

He says, “if your brother sins against you” (Matthew 18:15), but it’s pretty clear that He’s using that word “brother” to mean our neighbor in general (see Arcana Coelestia 2360:6, 7; Apocalypse Explained 746:15).

These instructions apply whenever someone that we have a relationship with is doing something that hurts us.

The last thing the Lord says is that if we can’t work it out with our “brother,” we’re to treat him as “a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). If that’s the only part of these instructions that we pay attention to, then they sound pretty harsh. But if that’s the only part of these instructions that we pay attention to, then we’re missing the whole point — which is that we mustn’t jump straight from having a problem with someone to shunning them. There’s a process that we’re meant to follow, and we’re meant to take it one step at a time, and we’re only meant to go to that last step if we absolutely have to. As human beings, we’re prone to all-or-nothing thinking. This is especially true if we’re mad at someone, or if their behavior is making us feel unsafe. We think, “either I’m close to this person, and there are no boundaries between us, or I’ve separated myself from them and there’s no bond between us.” Cognitively we may know that it doesn’t have to be like that, but often our emotions say that that’s the way it needs to be. It takes maturity and it takes wisdom to hold the middle ground — to acknowledge and address the harm that another person’s behavior is doing to us, without completely cutting ourselves off from that person. It isn’t the easiest or the most natural path to take. But it’s the path the Lord asks us to take.

He says that if our brother sins against us, the first step is to, “go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). It makes a lot of sense that this is the first step. If you have a problem with someone, talk to them about it. The thing is, we need to make sure that this is the first step we take. Step two is to get other people involved, and sometimes we take step two before we take step one. We complain to our friends about the person who’s offended us, before we’ve even talked to that person about their behavior. When we do that, we usually just sink deeper into resentment. Sometimes we want to get advice before we talk to the person who’s hurt us — and it can be appropriate to seek advice from a mentor or a professional. But we need to not make the problem someone else’s business. At least not right away. If you’re upset with someone, start by talking to them as one grown up to another. This is what gives us the best shot at actual reconciliation. The Lord says, “… if your brother sins against you go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15).

Obviously this doesn’t mean that we should put ourselves into dangerous situations. If someone’s hurt us badly enough, it might not feel safe to meet with them one-on-one. The spirit of this teaching is that we mustn’t skip step one unless we have to. And there are things that we can do to protect ourselves during that initial conversation. We can take a leaf out of David’s book, and talk to the person who’s hurt us from a distance (1 Samuel 26:13). Talk to them on the phone, or write a letter. Or we can have the conversation in a public place, like a restaurant, where we’ll feel safer.

If we have that one-on-one conversation and our brother still refuses to hear us, then the Lord says we can take with us “one or two more.” (Matthew 18:15). In other words, at that point we can get other people involved, if we need to. Just one or two people. We’re not supposed to rally a posse — that’s escalating too fast. And of course, it’s important to pick the right people. The people we involve should be wise, level-headed people. Ideally, they’ll be people who are trusted by both ourselves and the person we have a grievance with, because those people can build bridges and act as mediators. We need to bear in mind that when we get third parties involved, we are escalating things, and there’s a chance that the person we have a grievance with will feel ganged up on and react badly. If we need to get other people involved, the Lord says that we can — but we shouldn’t take this step unless we have to.

The third step is to “tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17). This doesn’t mean that we should air our grievances with each other when we gather for refreshments after worship. The Greek word here translated as “church” (ἐκκλησία) really just means “gathering,” or “assembly.” So the Lord’s point is that if someone won’t listen to us or change their hurtful behavior — though we and a handful of trusted people have talked to them about it — then we’re allowed to speak openly about our grievance. We can get our community involved, if that’s a useful thing to do. Perhaps “telling it to the church” implies that we’re allowed to seek some sort of public arbitration. In ancient times, the leaders of the church would have done that sort of thing. Nowadays, if we want public arbitration we usually go to court.

The last step, according to the Lord’s words in Matthew 18, is to regard our brother as “a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). This doesn’t mean that we’re allowed to disdain or revile or hate the person we have a problem with — we’re never allowed to do those things. It simply means that if all else fails, and the person who hurt us is continuing to hurt us, we’re allowed to separate ourselves from them. We’re allowed to treat them as someone who isn’t part of our sphere. In practice, this would involve limiting our interactions and communications with the person who’s hurt us.

The Lord says that we’re allowed to do these kinds of things — we’re allowed to set boundaries, if we have to. But there’s a process to follow. We can’t escalate straight from getting our feelings hurt to cutting ties with the offender. And here’s the really challenging part: right after the Lord says these things about the boundaries we’re allowed to set, He has this conversation with His disciples:

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22)

In the Heavenly Doctrine of the New Church we’re told that “seventy times seven” means “always, without counting” (Apocalypse Explained 257:4, 391:21).

In our recitation from Luke the Lord says something similar:

If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, “I repent,” you shall forgive him. (Luke 17:3, 4)

The Lord says that we’re allowed to set boundaries, but He also says that we need to forgive people every single time they hurt us. And the whole point of this sermon is that we can do both at the same time. Forgiveness is not the same thing as giving people permission to treat us badly. To forgive someone is to give up your right to hold that person beneath yourself, in your mind and in your heart. To forgive is to give up the right to hate. This is something we do for our own sake, for the sake of our own peace, because hate poisons the soul.

In a way, forgiving a person isn’t even about the person we forgive. To forgive is to get ourselves right with the Lord. When Joseph’s brothers asked him for forgiveness, he answered, “am I in the place of God?” (Genesis 50:19). In other words, he said that it wasn’t his job to either judge his brothers or absolve them of their sins. That was God’s job. Determining whether or not another human being is worthy of forgiveness isn’t our job. We are commanded to love our neighbors — to love even our enemies — and that commandment governs every interaction that we have with every other human being. And if we’re going to love someone, we cannot hold on to resentment. We cannot give ourselves permission to hate. But loving a person and setting boundaries with them can happen simultaneously. To hold on to that truth is to hold a space in the middle, to steer clear of “either-or” thinking — either we’re close and there are no boundaries, or we’ve separated and there is no love. To hold that middle space takes wisdom and maturity — and that’s what the Lord asks of us.

We’re going to wrap up by looking at a passage from the Heavenly Doctrine, a passage that describes the way the angels treat us when we choose evil.

The angels are always with us, protecting us in ways that we can neither see nor feel. (Arcana Coelestia 5854)

It’s good that they’re there! In a different passage we’re told that if they weren’t present with us, we would “immediately perish” (SH 50). But those angels can’t be present in the midst of evil thoughts or evil affections — so when we choose evil, we push the angels away.

But they don’t go all the way away. When we choose evil they’re still with us — but remotely so. The deeper we sink into evil the further away they’re driven, but they’re still there. They’d prefer to be near to us: they’d prefer to love us up close. But if they can’t do that, they love us from a distance. Sometimes we assume that love and distance are mutually exclusive: that we’re either close to someone, or we can’t love them at all. But it isn’t so. We can follow the example of the angels. We can love from a distance, if we have to. The angels themselves are following the example of the Lord — who will not say that evil is good, who is nonetheless ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all who call upon Him (Psalms 86:5). ¹

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392. The souls of those slain because of the Word of God, and because of the testimony that they held, signifies those who were rejected and concealed because of Divine truth and because of their confession of the Lord. This is evident from the signification of "those slain," as being those who were rejected by the evil and concealed by the Lord (of whom presently); also from the signification of "the Word of God," as being Divine truth. What the Lord speaks is called the Word of God, and that is Divine truth. The Word or the Sacred Scripture is nothing else; for in it all Divine truth is contained, but it is only before the angels that the truth itself in its glory is manifest in it, because to them the interior things of the Word, which are spiritual and celestial, become manifest and also constitute their wisdom. "The Word of God," therefore, signifies in the genuine sense Divine truth, and in the highest sense the Lord Himself who spoke it, for He spoke from Himself, or from His Divine, and what proceeds from Him that also is Himself.

[2] That the Divine proceeding is the Lord may be illustrated by this: About every angel there is a sphere that is called the sphere of his life; this spreads abroad to a great distance from him. This sphere flows out or proceeds from the life of his affection or love; it is therefore an extension outside of him of such life as is in him. This extension is effected by means of the spiritual atmosphere or aura, which is the aura of heaven. By means of that sphere the quality of an angel in respect to affection is perceived at a distance by others; this has been granted me sometimes to perceive. But about the Lord there is a Divine sphere, which near Him appears as a sun, which is His Divine love, and from this that sphere proceeds into the whole heaven and fills it and constitutes the light that is there; this sphere is the Divine proceeding from the Lord, which in its essence is Divine truth. This comparison with angels is made as an illustration, to show that the Divine proceeding from the Lord is the Lord Himself, because it is a proceeding of His love, and the proceeding is Himself outside of Himself. The above is further evident from the signification of "testimony," as being the confession of the Lord, and the Lord Himself (of which presently).

[3] That "those slain" here mean those who were rejected by evil spirits and concealed by the Lord, or removed from the eyes of others and preserved to the day of the Last Judgment, can be seen from what was said in the article above, also from what follows in the two verses in which they alone are described. In the article above it was said that "the former heaven" that passed away consisted of those who in externals lived a moral life, and yet were merely natural and not spiritual, or who lived a sort of spiritual life merely from the affection or love of fame, honor, glory, and gain, thus for the sake of appearance. Although these were inwardly evil, they, nevertheless, were tolerated, and constituted societies in the higher places in the spiritual world. These societies, taken together, were called a heaven, but "the former heaven" that afterwards passed away. From this it came to pass that all those who were spiritual, that is, who were inwardly as well as outwardly good, not being able to be with these, withdrew from them, either voluntarily or being driven away, and wherever found they were persecuted; on this account they were concealed by the Lord and preserved in their places until the day of judgment, that they might constitute "the new heaven." These therefore are those that are meant by "the souls of those slain seen under the altar." This makes clear that "those slain" signify those who were rejected and concealed, for they were hated by the others, because of Divine truth and because of their confession of the Lord; and those who are hated are called "those slain," because to hate is spiritually to slay. That such are meant by "the souls of those slain," can be seen further from what follows in the two verses where it is said of them, "And they cried out with a great voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on those that dwell on the earth? And there were given to every one of them white robes; and it was said unto them that they should rest yet a little time, until their fellow-servants, as well as their brethren, who were to be killed, as they also were, should be fulfilled." That those above described are meant by "those slain," no one can know but those to whom it has been revealed; for who can know, except by revelation, of whom "the former heaven" (Revelation 21:1) consisted, and of whom "the new heaven" was formed; and that those of whom the new heaven was to be formed, were in the meantime concealed and preserved by the Lord? And unless these things had been revealed to someone, all things contained in Revelation in its internal sense must have remained hidden; for in it such things as were to take place in the spiritual world before the Last Judgment, and while it was going on, and after it are chiefly treated of.

[4] That "testimony" signifies the confession of the Lord, and the Lord Himself, can be seen from the passages in the Word that follow. This signification has its origin from this, that the Word in each and every particular testifies respecting the Lord; for in its inmost sense it treats of the Lord alone, and in its internal sense of the celestial and spiritual things that proceed from the Lord, and in particular the Lord testifies respecting Himself in everyone who is in the life of love and charity; for the Lord flows into their heart and life and teaches them, especially respecting His Divine Human; for He grants to those who are in a life of love to think of God under the human form, and God under the human form is the Lord.

The simple in the Christian world so think, as also the heathen who live in charity according to their religious principle. Both these are astonished when they hear the learned speak of God as not to be perceived in any human form, for they know that thinking thus they could not see any God in thought, and therefore could have little belief in the existence of a God, since the faith which is the faith of charity wishes to comprehend in some way what is believed; for faith is of thought, and to think what is incomprehensible is not to think, but only to have knowledge and to speak from that without any idea. Angels, even the wisest, do not think of God otherwise than as in the human form; it is impossible for them to think otherwise, for the reason that their perceptions flow according to the form of heaven, which is the human form from the Lord's Divine Human (on which see Heaven and Hell 59-86); and for the reason that the affections from which are their thoughts, are from influx, and influx is from the Lord.

This has been said that it may be known why "testimony" signifies the Lord, namely, because the Lord testifies respecting Himself with all who accept His testimony, and these are such as live a life of love to the Lord, and a life of charity towards the neighbor. These receive His testimony and confess Him, because a life of love and charity opens the interior mind by the influx of light from heaven, for a life of love and charity is the Divine life itself; for the Lord loves everyone, and does good to everyone from love; consequently where that life is received the Lord is present and is conjoined to the man, and thus flows into his higher mind which is called the spiritual mind, and by light from himself opens it.

[5] That "testimony" signifies the Lord, and with man the confession of the Lord from the heart, and in particular, the acknowledgment of the Lord's Divine in His Human, can be seen from this, that the law which was given on Mount Sinai and written upon two tables, and afterwards placed in the ark, is called the "Testimony;" whence also the ark was called "the ark of the Testimony," and the tables also were called "the tables of Testimony;" and because this was most holy, the mercy-seat was placed upon the ark, and over the mercy-seat were sculptured two cherubim, between which Jehovah, that is, the Lord, spoke with Moses and Aaron. This makes clear that "the Testimony" signifies the Lord Himself; otherwise the mercy-seat would not have been placed upon the ark, nor would the Lord have spoken with Moses and Aaron between the cherubim which were upon the mercy-seat. Moreover, when Aaron entered within the veil, which he did once every year, he was first sanctified, and afterwards he burnt incense till the smoke of the incense covered the mercy seat; it is said that unless he did this he would have died. From this it is clearly evident that the Testimony that was in the ark, and that was the law given on Mount Sinai and inscribed on two tables of stone, signified the Lord Himself.

[6] That the law is called "the Testimony" is evident in Moses:

Thou shalt put into the ark the Testimony which I shall give thee (Exodus 25:16).

He put the Testimony into the ark (Exodus 40:20).

The mercy-seat that is upon the Testimony (Leviticus 16:13).

Lay up the rods of the tribes before the Testimony (Numbers 17:4).

That the tables and the ark were therefore called the tables and the ark of the Testimony (Exodus 25:22; 31:7, 18; 32:15).

That the mercy-seat was placed upon it, and over the mercy-seat two sculptured cherubim (Exodus 25:17-22; 26:34).

That the Lord spoke with Moses and with Aaron between the two cherubim (Exodus 25:16, 21-22; Numbers 17:4 and elsewhere).

That they sanctified themselves before they entered thither, and that the smoke of the incense covered the mercy-seat lest they should die (Leviticus 16:1-34).

[7] That "the testimony" signifies the Lord is evident also from this, that what was upon the ark was called the mercy seat [propitiatorium], and the Lord is the propitiator; the ark also, from the testimony in it, was the holy of holies, both in the tabernacle and in the temple, and from this the tabernacle was holy, and also the temple. The tabernacle represented heaven, and also the temple, and heaven is heaven from the Lord's Divine Human; from this it follows that "testimony" signifies the Lord in respect to His Divine Human. (That "the tent of meeting" represented heaven, see Arcana Coelestia 9457, 9481, 9485, 10545; likewise the temple, see above, n. 220; and that heaven is heaven from the Lord's Divine Human, see Heaven and Hell, n. 59-86.) The law proclaimed from Mount Sinai is called "the Testimony" because that law, in a broad sense, signifies the whole Word, both historical and prophetical, and the Word is the Lord, according to these words in John:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and God was the Word; and the Word was made flesh, (John 1:1) John 1:14).

The Word is the Lord because the Word signifies Divine truth, and all Divine truth proceeds from the Lord, for it is the light in heaven, that enlightens the minds of the angels and also the minds of men, and gives them wisdom; this light in its essence is Divine truth proceeding from the Lord as a sun (of which light, see Heaven and Hell 126-140); therefore it is afterwards said, "the Word was with God, and God was the Word." It is also said in John:

In Him was life; and the life was the light of men. That was the true Light, which lighteth every man coming into the world (John 1:4, 1:9).

[8] This makes clear that the Lord is meant by "the Testimony;" for the law written on the two tables, which was called the "Testimony," signifies the Word in the whole complex, and the Lord is the Word. (That "the law" in a broad sense signifies the Word in the whole complex, in a sense less broad the historical Word, and in a strict sense the ten commandments of the Decalogue, see Arcana Coelestia 6752.) This law was also called "a Covenant," and so the tables on which it was inscribed were called "the tables of the Covenant," and the ark was called "the ark of the Covenant" (See Exodus 34:28; Numbers 14:44; Deuteronomy 9:9, 15; Revelation 11:19; and elsewhere); and this because "Covenant" signifies conjunction, and the Word or Divine truth is what conjoins man with the Lord; from no other source is there any conjunction. (That "Covenant" signifies conjunction, see Arcana Coelestia 665, 666, 1023, 1038, 1864, 1996, 2003, 2021, 6804, 8767, 8778, 9396, 10632.)

This law is called both "a Covenant" and "a Testimony," because when called "a Covenant" it means the Word by which there is conjunction; and when called "a Testimony" it means the Lord Himself who conjoins; and on man's part, the confession of the Lord and the acknowledgment of His Divine in His Human, which conjoin. From this it can be seen why the Word is called in the church "a Covenant," the Word before the Lord's coming "the Old Covenant," and that after His coming "the New Covenant;" it is called also "the Old and the New Testament," but it is to be called "the Testimony."

[9] That "Testimony" signifies the Lord, and on man's part the confession of the Lord and the acknowledgment of His Divine in His Human, is evident also from these passages in the Word. In Revelation:

They overcame the dragon by the blood of the Lamb, and by the Word of the testimony. And the dragon was angry, and went away to make war with the remnant of her seed, that keep the commandment of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ (Revelation 12:11 17).

I am thy fellow-servant, and of thy brethren that hold the testimony of Jesus. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy (Revelation 19:10).

"The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy" signifies that the confession of the Lord and the acknowledgment of His Divine in His Human is the life of all truth, both in the Word and in doctrine from the Word.

[10] And elsewhere:

The souls of those slain with the axe for the testimony of Jesus, and for the Word of God, received not the mark upon their forehead and upon their hand (Revelation 20:4).

These passages will be explained in what follows. In David:

Jerusalem is builded as a city that is conjoined together; and thither the tribes go up, the tribes of Jah, a testimony to Israel, to confess to the name of Jehovah. For there are set thrones for judgment (Psalms 122:3-5).

"Jerusalem" signifies the church in relation to doctrine, which is said to be "builded" when it is established by the Lord; "as a city that is conjoined together" signifies doctrine in which all things are in order, "city" meaning doctrine; "thither the tribes go up, the tribes of Jah," signifies that in it are all truths and goods in the complex; "a testimony to Israel, to confess to the name of Jehovah," signifies the confession and acknowledgment of the Lord there; "for there are set thrones for judgment" signifies that Divine truth is there according to which judgment is executed. That this is what "thrones" signify, see above n. 253.

[11] In the same:

Jehovah hath set up a testimony in Jacob, and a law in Israel (Psalms 78:5).

"Jacob" and "Israel" signify the church, "Jacob" the external church, and "Israel" the internal church; and "testimony" and "law" signify the Word, "testimony" that in the Word which teaches the goods of life, and "the law" that in it which teaches the truths of doctrine. Because those who are in the external church are in the good of life according to the truths of doctrine, and those who are in the internal church are in the truths of doctrine according to which is the life, so "testimony" is predicated of Jacob, and "the law" of Israel.

[12] In the same:

If thy sons shall keep My covenant, and the testimony that I shall teach them, their ¹ sons shall sit upon the throne for thee forevermore (Psalms 132:12).

This is said of David, but David here means the Lord; "his sons" mean those who do the Lord's commandments; of these it is said, "if thy sons shall have kept My covenant and My testimony," "covenant" meaning the like as "law" above, namely, the truth of doctrine, and "testimony" the like as "testimony" above, namely, the good of life according to the truths of doctrine. Like things are signified by "covenant" and "testimonies" in David (Psalms 25:10).

[13] "Testimonies" are mentioned in many passages in the Word, together with "law," "precepts," "commandments," "statutes," and "judgments;" and "testimonies and commandments" there signify such things as teach life, "law and precepts" such as teach doctrine, "statutes and judgments" such as teach rituals, as in the following passages in David:

The law of Jehovah is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of Jehovah is sure, making wise the simple. The commandments of Jehovah are right, making glad the heart; the precept of Jehovah is pure, enlightening the eyes; the judgments of Jehovah are truth, they are righteous altogether (Psalms 19:7-9).

In the same:

Blessed are the perfect in the way, who walk in the law of Jehovah. Blessed are they that observe His testimonies, that seek after Him with the whole heart. Thou hast enjoined Thy commandments to be strictly kept. O that my ways may be directed to keep Thy statutes! Then shall I not be ashamed, when I have respect unto all Thy precepts. I will confess to thee in uprightness of heart, when I shall have learned the judgments of Thy righteousness (Psalms 119:1-7 manner in verses 12-15, 88-89, 151-156, etc.).

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